


Denial & Desire

by Seldom



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alcohol, Anxiety, Attraction, Bars and Pubs, Crushes, Daydreaming, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Dorks in Love, Flirting, Fluff, Food, M/M, Oblivious, Pining, Politics, Sexual Frustration, Slow Burn, Texting, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-03 12:56:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13341705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seldom/pseuds/Seldom
Summary: Rafael wished they could just go back to bickering. Why did his mind travel to such an unsavory place around this man? He leaned his head back and sunk into the couch. Maybe if he stayed here long enough it would swallow him up.





	1. Distracted

Rafael was not lusting after an SVU detective. No, definitely not. It was unprofessional and inappropriate. This was some trick of the mind. It was the caffeine or lack of sleep or... or something. Maybe he was poisoned? Yes, that was it. That would explain the dizziness and palpitations. There's a long list of people who would want to poison him these days.

"Counselor?" asked a familiar voice, "Are you okay?"

Rafael looked up and saw Carisi take a hesitant step towards him, worry etched on his face. They were in the middle of a heated discussion moments ago, yet he couldn't remember a word of it now.

A thought popped into his head that caught him off guard. He imagined Carisi pinning him up against the wall, roughly biting his neck, and pressing a knee in between his spread legs.

He swallowed and tried to shrug it off. "Yes. I'm quite fine, detective."

Carisi wasn't convinced. "You sure? You, ah... don't look so good."

Then the thoughts returned. Carisi whispering sweet nothings into his ear, light trails of kisses, and delicate touches. Wait, this was worse. Lust he could manage. This was a different story.

"You should sit down," Carisi insisted. He led Rafael to the couch and waited for him to get settled.

"Do you need me to call someone for you?" He asked in a gentle voice, "I know you're dedicated to your job, but you need to take care of yourself."

Rafael immediately realized that he was being spoken to like a victim. Carisi had resorted to SVU-detective-mode. He was trying to calm him down.

"No, thank you," Rafael answered, "I was just lightheaded. That's all."

Carisi nodded. "In that case, I'll get you some water." He walked out of the office to ask Carmen for help fetching it.

Rafael wished they could just go back to bickering. Why did his mind travel to such an unsavory place around this man? He leaned his head back and sunk into the couch. Maybe if he stayed here long enough it would swallow him up.

"Hey," said Carisi, "You still with me?" He waved a hand in front of Rafael's face and snapped his fingers a couple times.

Rafael shooed his hand away, "Stop that."

He chuckled and handed him a glass of water. "Drink the whole thing," he instructed.

Carisi sat down next to him and their knees bumped together. The unexpected contact nearly caused him to drop the glass. Rafael practically chugged the water, wanting this situation to be over already.

"Thank you, Carisi." He carefully placed the glass down on the side table.

"Call me Sonny," he suggested for the millionth time.

"That nickname is absurd and you know it," Rafael commented with his usual aloof attitude.

Carisi didn't seem fazed by it. They exchanged glances at each other until Rafael genuinely smiled. The moment didn't last for long. His phone buzzed and he glanced at the screen. It was Olivia.

"I need to take this," Rafael explained before getting up to show Carisi out.

"No problem, Barba. I need to get back to work anyway." If he watched the younger man as he walked away, was that a crime?

 

He paced back in forth during the call. "Liv, I'm relieved you're feeling better, really... However, you shouldn't come back to work yet. It's a bit premature, don't you think?"

Olivia reluctantly agreed and changed the subject. "You sound out of breath, Rafa. Did I interrupt something?"

"It's been a long day," he answered. It wasn't a complete lie.

"And?" she pushed for more information.

Rafael sighed, "Carisi stopped by."

"Oh, really?" Olivia teased. "How did that go?"

Rafael went to her apartment the other night and they had a few drinks. He might have let his feelings for a certain detective slip during the conversation. His exact words were "Carisi is a pain in the ass, but easy on the eyes."

"Not well," he admitted, "We were fighting about god knows what and I got... distracted."

"Distracted?" she questioned.

"Don't make me spell it out," he begged, "We both know what I mean. What am I supposed to do?"

"Him?" she suggested bluntly.

"Very funny." Rafael leaned against his desk and squeezed the bridge of his nose. He was getting too old for this.


	2. Drinks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The squad invited him for drinks over the weekend. It was Olivia’s idea, she wanted everyone to take a break and bond after a chaotic week. Why that included Rafael was beyond him.

Rafael tried going cold turkey from spending extra time with Carisi. The less time alone together the better. He needed to maintain his professionalism at all costs. If that meant avoiding Carisi and his annoyingly kissable lips, so be it.

The excuses were wearing thin. What did he say today? Oh, that's right. He had a nonexistent doctor appointment. That got him out of lunch at least.

At the end of the day, he was about to leave his office when someone tapped him on the back. He turned and there was Carisi, speaking of the devil. Rafael couldn't catch a break.

"Hey, Barba," he greeted him. They awkwardly stood in the doorway. "I have a question."

"Wonderful." Rafael rolled his eyes. Carisi just stood there, blocking his path with his beautifully broad shoulders. Did he need further prompting? "Well? Spit it out."

Carisi finally asked, “What happened with that case?"

Rafael’s heart started pounding so hard that he feared it would escape his chest.

"You'll have to be more specific," Rafael quipped.

"Hey, don't do that. That deflecting nonsense doesn't work on me, counselor."

"What was that word you mentioned awhile back? Tenacity? That's you." He managed to close his office door and pivot around Carisi.

He needed to get out of there. The thoughts he had been pushing down rushed back. His mind conjured images of strong hands holding his hips, dirty words, and desperate groping. Followed by calloused fingers stroking his hair, soft kisses to his temple, and long loving looks. The lust and infatuation infused together. Rafael enjoyed a cocktail as much as the next person, but an emotional cocktail? No, thank you.

Carisi followed him down the hallway and continued his line of questioning. "On the phone you said she could get life in prison. Then the case ends up in family court? I don’t get it. If you didn’t want her to get life, there were plenty of other options. Am I right, counselor?”

"I don't have time for this, detective." Rafael turned around to glare at him.

Carisi stopped in his tracks and glared right back – intimidating him wasn’t an easy feat anymore. After the glare worn off, there was something indescribable written upon his face.

"Wait a minute... Did- did you sabotage it on purpose?" he asked while he wrung his hands.

Rafael winced, since when was Carisi so astute?

"No," he lied. His exasperated expression told another tale. Rafael silently pleaded with him to end the conversation. He could tell the detective was disappointed at best. The hero worship began to dwindle down months ago.

Carisi didn’t push it – not yet. "Right. I'll, uh, see you tomorrow."

He lightly touched Rafael’s shoulder, then walked past him and turned the corner. The touch was tantalizing and it pained him to realize how touch starved he was.

Rafael was left alone with his thoughts. They were becoming hazy and increasingly sappy… shoulder rubs, forehead kisses, and holding hands. He wanted to be pushed against his desk and kissed passionately. He wanted Carisi to touch him with purpose. He craved something he couldn’t currently hope to communicate.

 

The squad invited him for drinks over the weekend. It was Olivia’s idea, she wanted everyone to take a break and bond after a chaotic week. Why that included Rafael was beyond him.

It started off merrily. The group agreed not to talk shop and actually followed through for once. They got three rounds of shots and the laughter distracted Rafael from his thoughts. He intentionally sat as far away from Carisi as possible. Olivia, Rollins, and Fin were excellent buffers – but not for long. Rollins and Fin retired early. Fin was meeting his son in the morning and Rollins needed to get back home to Jesse.

Olivia stayed for half an hour longer then followed suit.

“I don’t want to keep Noah and Lucy waiting too long,” she grabbed her jacket and bid them farewell, “Goodnight! Get home safe.”

Carisi was sporting a wide smile. “Will do, Lieu! Tell Noah we love ‘em!”

“I’ll tell him.” She nodded and smiled back before exiting the bar. It was just the two of them now. Olivia planned this and he fell right into the trap.

Rafael could have left. He could have easily made up an excuse and left after Liv, yet he didn’t. Instead, all the buffers between them were gone and he was now sitting smack next to Carisi. When did he even move seats?

He was too far-gone looking into those beautiful blue eyes. Before he could overthink the situation, he ordered them two more drinks. Carisi tried his favorite whiskey, which he ended up enjoying to Rafael’s delight.

“You really like it?” he asked. If Rafael leaned in closer, it was only because the bar was getting louder. They brushed shoulders.

Carisi was beaming. “Yeah! It tastes better than what I usually order.”

Rafael looked him up and down, “Well, I have good taste.”

Was Carisi blushing? He scooted closer to get a better view. Rafael had a burst of bravery and placed his hand on the other man’s knee.

Suddenly, Carisi tilted off his bar stool. Rafael swiftly stood up and grabbed his waist before he fell on the floor. This caused Carisi to look at him like a knight in shining armor – which he definitely wasn’t.

“Thanks, Rafael,” he giggled. It wasn’t the first time the detective called him by his first name, but it felt different in that moment – more intimate.

Rafael’s mind traveled back to lust. Carisi moaning his name, craving his praise, kneeling in front of him and…

Before he could delve further into his thoughts, he felt Carisi slipping from his grasp. He held on tighter in an attempt to steady him.

“Whoa, whoa. I believe it’s time for you to retire for the night,” he suggested.

“Good- good idea.” Carisi held onto Rafael’s shoulders. “I just, I need to sit down for a minute. Can we go to a booth instead?”

“Given your sense of balance right now, that’s an excellent idea,” Rafael agreed. He led him to one of the back booths, “Come on, Carisi.”

“Please, call me Sonny…” he told Rafael when they scooted into the booth.

Rafael decided to humor him, “Okay, Sonny… I’m guessing you’re not used to hard liquor?”

Carisi, or rather Sonny, shook his head. “No, I’m more of a beer and wine kind of guy. Shots and whiskey are kinda new to me.”

“That explains a lot,” he sighed, “Okay, I need you to relax for a bit and then you’re going to tell me your address.”

“My address?” he questioned. Carisi looked cute when he was confused.

“Yes, so I can get you home,” Rafael clarified.

Sonny’s eyes widened. “You’re coming home with me?”

Rafael almost cackled at the misunderstanding.

“No, I’m making sure you get home in one piece,” he slowly explained to the drunk man in front of him, “If I don’t, I’m sure Liv would blame me for not preventing your demise.”

“Oh,” Carisi nodded and fiddled with his tie.

 

Rafael scheduled a Lyft. They sat in the booth for ten minutes waiting. Carisi – Sonny, kept smiling at him like he was the world.

“Stop it,” Rafael muttered.

Sonny looked confused again. “Stop what?”

“Looking at me like that,” Rafael motioned towards his face, “Like I’m a big deal. You used to look at me like that when you were sober… when you were shadowing me.”

Sonny’s mouth opened and he tried to talk. He didn’t get the chance.

“Your Lyft is here,” Rafael notified him.

They left the bar and Rafael helped Sonny into the car. He constantly checked his phone until Sonny texted him that he got home safe.


	3. Delicious Deflecting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He really shouldn’t find the scene in front of him attractive. Sonny had stuffed a napkin into his collar to form a bib, there was sauce on his chin, and his legs were sprawled across his other guest chair. The heart wants what the heart wants.

The following Monday, Carisi wasn’t at work – a rarity. Rafael walked around the precinct a few times to make sure. There was no sign of him at his desk. No scattered papers, no jacket on his chair, and the place was quieter than usual. SVU was already short-staffed; there must be a good reason for his absence. His partner was still there, so he wasn’t out on a case. He decided against small talk with the other detectives and headed straight for Olivia’s office. He could pretend that the second coffee was for her.

“Rafael?” She looked up from her desk. “This is a surprise, do you have news for me?”

He shook his head, “No, this is a personal trip. How’s everything around here?”

Rafael still couldn’t believe she was back at work. With all she’s been through… she deserved more time to process and heal. He kept his opinions to himself for once. Olivia knew what was best – at least, he hoped.

“Could be worse,” she answered, “Today’s actually been slow."

“Oh? I guess that’s a relief with Detective Carisi being out.” His casual tone sounded strained.

Olivia stood up, walked around him, and closed her office door. “Speaking of Carisi…”

“What about him?” he asked far too abruptly.

“Rafael,” she pleaded, “Really?”

He turned his back to her and ran a hand through his hair, “Olivia, please. Your ruse failed, nothing happened.”

He couldn’t see her, but he could tell she didn’t buy it.

“My ruse?” she laughed.

Rafael turned back around, “Yes, your ruse! That domino effect of an exit at the bar. You knew that would happen.”

“You could have left,” she pointed out. Olivia crossed her arms.

He fell silent and awkwardly shuffled his feet.

“You didn’t come here to talk to me, did you?” she insinuated.

His brow furrowed. “What gives you that idea?”

Olivia eyed the coffee. “If you came here for me, you would have handed me that already.”

“Oh, sorry…here,” he quickly offered it to her.

She put her hands up. “No, thanks. Carisi takes it too sweet for my tastes.”

Rafael’s cheeks flushed and he almost dropped the cup.

“It’s – it’s not for Carisi,” he lied.

Olivia raised an eyebrow. “So, if I take a sip of that…” she challenged, “It’s not going to taste like a liquidized candy store?”

He sighed. “Fine, you got me."

“That’s what I thought,” she laughed again.

This was getting embarrassing.

“By the way… Carisi only called out for his morning shift,” she informed him, “You should come back later.”

He automatically perked up then tried to play off the reaction by looking away. However, his eyes wandered to his watch.

“Good to know,” was all he said before leaving. As tempting as that was, he knew he shouldn't come back – not for that reason. Rafael needed to take a step back and reevaluate his priorities.

 

Rafael tried not to focus on the fact that he knew Carisi’s coffee order. Suddenly, his mind started correcting and repeating the name… Sonny, Sonny, Sonny…

“Mr. Barba?” Carmen’s voice interrupted the echo of Sonny’s name in his head. She had files held out for him.

“Hmm? Yes, thank you.”

The moment she left the room, Barba’s mind went back to Sonny. Delicate kisses that tasted like coffee, love notes scribbled on each other’s cups, and rendezvous in cafés. Then a more domestic setting emerged, Sonny’s strong arms wrapped around his waist while he prepped the coffee machine. Those same strong arms turned him around, lifted him up onto the counter, and devoured his lips.

His phone buzzed. Rafael pulled it out of his pocket and couldn’t help the smile that crept across his face.

_**Det. Carisi:** Hey! I never properly thanked you for the drinks AND getting me home the other night, so thanks!  <3_

If he changed the contact name from _**“Det. Carisi”**_ to _**“Sonny”**_ who cared?

He took a deep breath then responded.

_**Rafael:** You’re welcome. How about you return the favor with lunch today?_

No, that sounded too much like a date. He went to backspace, but his hand slipped and he hit send instead. Well, shit. So much for taking a step back and reevaluating his priorities.

_**Sonny:** Sounds good to me!_

 

He ended up swamped at work and it looked like he couldn’t go to lunch as planned. He quickly got his phone out to apologize.

_**Rafael:** I’m stuck at the work. You’ll have to treat me to lunch another time?_

Well, it was his form of an apology. Sonny’s reply came at lightning speed.

_**Sonny:** How about I bring lunch to you? Italian?_

Rafael rationalized the offer. He had to eat anyway, right? This was… efficient.

_**Rafael:** Sure._

 

At noon sharp, Carmen informed him that Carisi was there. He entered his office carrying a large takeout bag that smelt incredible.

“Punctual,” Rafael commented as he cleared space on the desk for them to eat. Sonny smiled and rolled up his sleeves.

That jumpstarted Rafael’s earlier train of thought… strong arms… He snapped himself out of it.

“I got us arancini to share. You’ll love ‘em. I wasn’t sure what kind of pasta you liked so…” he placed four takeout containers on the table.

Rafael’s looked at the food then back at Sonny.

“You went a little…”

“Overboard,” Sonny interrupted, “I know.”

 

It wasn’t romantic. They ate fast and in silence. They both had work to do.

After his last bite, Rafael asked, “Why weren’t you at work this morning?”

“How’d you know that?” Sonny questioned, barely audible, mouth full of pasta.

“I stopped by to discuss something with Olivia. I didn’t see you around the precinct,” he supplied hastily.

Sonny looked at him with curiosity, like something didn’t add up.

“Around the precinct,” Sonny paused, “Sounds like you were searchin’ for me.”

He really shouldn’t find the scene in front of him attractive. Sonny had stuffed a napkin into his collar to form a bib, there was sauce on his chin, and his legs were sprawled across his other guest chair. The heart wants what the heart wants.

“I… was multitasking,” he answered, weakly.

“Deflecting, again,” Sonny frowned. That facial expression didn’t help how ridiculous he currently looked.

Once again, Sonny didn’t push an answer out of him.


	4. Daydreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He locked his office door behind him. Getting too friendly too fast was a mistake. Their social equilibrium was thrown off balance. Sonny took everything in stride while he just wanted to hide. Rafael’s desires scared him. If Sonny had similar intentions, he didn’t seem scared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments and kudos!

Rafael’s Sonny-centric daydreams escalated, which was inconvenient considering the work piled up in front of him. He wanted to grab that luscious hair, pull the other man into his lap, and press their lips together. He imagined that cliché moment from romantic comedies where you push everything off the desk to ravish your partner. It was impractical, but he understood the appeal now. The buzz of his phone snapped him out of the daydream.

 **_Sonny:_ ** _Some asshole on the subway blasted music this morning. I’ve got an awful headache now ugh :(_

They started texting each other more often. Before, it was out of necessity – the occasional work related text. Now, it was a regular part of his day.

 **_Rafael:_ ** _I have plenty of ibuprofen_ _if you want some?_

 **_Sonny:_ ** _You’re a lifesaver, Raf! I have a break soon. I’ll stop by!!! :)_

He swallowed. Sonny kept slipping in nicknames during their text conversations.

 ** _Rafael:_ ** _Happy to help, wouldn’t want SVU down a detective._

 ** _Sonny:_ ** _ <3 <3 <3_ 

Yeah, Sonny needed to cool it with all the hearts and smiles. It was tugging at his heartstrings more than he’d like to admit. Realistically, it was probably just Sonny’s texting style. It didn’t mean anything. He thought the conversation was over, but then there was another buzz.

_**Sonny:** Are we bartering or is this a genuine favor?_

He grinned then texted back.

_**Rafael:** It depends._

_**Sonny:** On?_

_**Rafael:** What do you have in return?_

_**Sonny:** I have a drawer full of snacks? Candy, chips, pretzels! Have your pick :)_

_**Rafael:** Deal. Pretzels._

  

He could have asked Carmen to hand Carisi the ibuprofen when he stopped by. He could have stayed in the safety of his office like a coward, but an excuse to see Sonny was too tempting.

They exchanged the ibuprofen and pretzels in the hallway fifteen minutes later.

“I needed this,” Sonny said before unscrewing his water bottle and swallowing two pills.

Rafael looked down at the pretzels. He was expecting a vending machine bag, not an artisan box of chocolate covered pretzels. The trade didn’t seem fair.

“Here,” he handed Sonny the entire bottle of pills, “Keep it in your desk for when you need them.”

“Thanks,” Sonny smiled at him. Their hands lingered together for a moment.

“I- I should get back to work,” Rafael panicked. He jerked his hand back and walked away, leaving Sonny looking puzzled.

 

He locked his office door behind him. Getting too friendly too fast was a mistake. Their social equilibrium was thrown off balance. Sonny took everything in stride while he just wanted to hide. Rafael’s desires scared him. If Sonny had similar intentions, he didn’t seem scared.

The last time Rafael caught feelings, it resulted in a fleeting romance. His line of work didn’t allow for much free time. He wanted more this time around. He felt vulnerable just thinking about the possibility.

Against his better judgment, he let his mind wander further. There were daydreams full of domestic scenarios. Preparing breakfast together, reading in the living room, candlelight dinners, and long blissful lovemaking. He was getting way ahead of himself. It was a miracle he got any work done these days. Describing his demeanor as distracted was an understatement.

 

The texts didn’t stop. The next day, he received several more messages from Sonny. 

 **_Sonny:_ ** _This might be a long shot, but wanna grab drinks again this weekend?_

 ** _Sonny:_ ** _I’ll pace myself this time :)_

 ** _Rafael:_ ** _You’re thinking about weekend plans already?_  

He figured the squad was making this a regular routine. Usually Olivia invited him, not Sonny.

 **_Sonny:_ ** _It’s something to look forward to, Rafi! It’s how most people get through work stress_

Sonny wanted to spend time with him to relieve stress? 

 ** _Rafael:_ ** _I’ll look at my schedule._  

He was free. He was definitely free.

 **_Sonny:_ ** _Great! Let me know. 8pm Friday_

 

He responded a couple hours later to avoid looking desperate.

 **_Rafael:_ ** _Looks like I can make it._

 ** _Sonny:_ ** _:)_

 **_Rafael:_ ** _Tell the rest of the squad that the first round is on me._

 **_Sonny:_ ** _Oh! Sorry, the rest of the squad is busy this weekend. I should have clarified that it’s just the two of us_

His heart skipped a beat.

 **_Sonny:_ ** _Is that okay?_

This was a bad idea. He should say no.

 **_Rafael:_ ** _Yes, but there’s one condition._

 **_Sonny:_ ** _What condition?_

 **_Rafael:_ ** _I changed my mind. YOU are buying the first round._

 **_Sonny:_ ** _Fine with me! :)_

 

Throughout the week, most of his daydreams were date-themed. Walks in the park, Broadway shows, sport games that Sonny explained to him step by step, and sharing popcorn at the movies. His mind then traveled to after date activities… Sonny pulling him into his apartment, pushing him against the door, nipping at his neck, whispering those sweet nicknames into his ear, and making him weak in the knees.

He had to remind himself that this wasn’t a date. If anything, Sonny was asking because the squad couldn’t make it, right? He couldn’t possibly be his first choice in a drinking buddy.

 

Rafael woke up Friday morning to texts from you know who. 

 **_Sonny_ ** _: Hey :)_

 **_Sonny:_ ** _Looking forward to tonight! <3 _

That’s it. Dominick “Sonny” Carisi was going to be the death of him. He couldn’t deny his feelings anymore. This was going to be a disaster.

 


	5. Debatable Date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny brought him to a tiny Italian restaurant. It was a hole in the wall. The bar only had four stools and it fit just a few tables. The lighting was dim and the air smelled of garlic and basil. There was a certain charm to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 updates in 1 day? Unheard of!

Rafael assumed they were meeting at the bar. Apparently, he assumed wrong. There was Sonny, leaning against the wall adjacent to his office at 7:45pm looking far too handsome for his own good.

“Hello, detective,” Rafael greeted him, lump in his throat.

“Hey,” said Sonny, “Lieu let me leave earlier than expected. Thought I’d meet up with you, so we’d save some money on the cab.” 

“Of course she did.” Olivia was playing matchmaker, who would have guessed?

They brushed shoulders as they exited the building.

Rafael called the cab, but Sonny ended up paying once they arrived at their destination.

“You paid for my Lyft, remember?” he said, “This one’s on me.”

 

The bar was packed to the brim. Rafael was used to crowds, you had to be living in the city. This was meant to be a break though… this overwhelming tightness didn’t feel like a break.

Sonny must have noticed Rafael tense up. The next thing he knew, he was being swept away from the bar. The cold air felt refreshing.

“What- what are you doing?” he asked.

“It was too crowded in there,” he explained, “I know a better place.”

Rafael nodded and let Sonny led the way.

 

Sonny brought him to a tiny Italian restaurant. It was a hole in the wall. The bar only had four stools and it fit just a few tables. The lighting was dim and the air smelled of garlic and basil. There was a certain charm to it. 

“Better, right?” said Sonny.

“This is… nice,” he commented, slowly taking his jacket off.

They settled down at the bar and ordered beers. Unfortunately, this place didn’t serve Rafael’s favorite whiskey. That was probably for the best in Sonny’s case.

“Is this where you got the pasta?” Rafael asked

“Nah, that’s from another place,” Sonny answered, “We can go there next time.”

There was a next time?

 

The night was going well. They discussed Fordham and Harvard’s latest law reviews. Then got into a heated debate about grand larceny – winner: undecided.

Sonny ordered them a few appetizers.

Rafael wasn’t sure how LGBT rights came up, but here they were.

“It makes me mad that conversion therapy is still a thing, you know? It’s obviously wrong,” Sonny took a sip, “Don’t even get me started on ‘religious freedom.’” The last two words were accompanied by air quotes.

“Really?” Rafael raised an eyebrow. “I thought religious freedom was one of your top priorities.”

Sonny looked offended. “There’s a difference between the right to practice your religion and forcing others to obey the restrictions derived from your religion. Also, what happened to ‘thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself?’ Plus, people seem to pick and choose which parts of the bible, and other religious texts, they take literally. I have a family member that lectures me about his bigoted interpretation of religious freedom and faith in general… it drives me up the wall.” He was out of breath.

Rafael put his hands up. “Hey! I know, I know. I agree with you.”

“Good, good…” He looked relieved.

“The LGBT community has it rough right now,” Rafael said softly.

It was unspoken, but they both knew why this topic was important to them.

 

After they finished their beers Rafael asked, “The current political climate is hell... you still want to be a lawyer?

Sonny shook his head. “Maybe in the future. SVU is where I’m supposed to be.”

“Let me know if that changes.” He ordered them another round.

That comment earned him a wide smile from Sonny. “What, are you gonna write me a letter of recommendation?”

“Yes, actually.” Rafael watched Sonny’s jaw drop.

“You’d do that for me?” he questioned, “Why?”

Rafael stared at him and simply answered, “Why wouldn’t I? I let you shadow me.”

“I thought I was a pain in your ass?” he asked.

“Only half the time. Anyway, most lawyers are a pain in the ass. You would fit right in,” Rafael chuckled, gazing down at his drink.

Sonny let that sink in. They gravitated closer to each other.

 

It was already midnight. Rafael didn’t plan on staying out this long. 

They were about to depart and go their separate ways when Sonny hesitated and leaned in to kiss Rafael on the cheek.

“See you around, Rafael,” was all Sonny said before winking and walking away. He stood there shocked and speechless in the cold for a few moments. Was that real or another daydream? He brought his hand up to his cheek. It felt warm.

 

There were no texts from Sonny and he sure as hell wasn’t texting first. This felt like high school all over again.

He dreaded going back to work after the weekend. 

“Why do people keep tricking me into dates?” Rafael vented to Carmen over his morning coffee. He usually kept business and pleasure separate, but Carmen was curious and if he stayed quiet any longer he would explode.

Carmen shrugged. “You’re not the easiest person to ask out, Mr. Barba. I hope you don’t take offence by this, but when it comes to romance you can sometimes be oblivious.”

“Excuse me?” He put down his coffee.

“Detective Carisi has been courting you for a long time now,” she supplied.

“No, this – whatever this is – only started a week ago,” he corrected, gesturing wildly.

Carmen rolled her eyes, “Try two years.”

“Oh, come on,” he scoffed, “You’re not serious.”

Carmen crossed her arms. “Serious.”

No, that couldn’t be right. He would have noticed. This was new and Sonny probably regretted it – that’s why he hadn’t texted. That was the most feasible explanation.


	6. Direct & Delectable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael wasn’t avoiding Sonny. That would be immature and unreasonable.

Rafael wasn’t avoiding Sonny. That would be immature and unreasonable. If he walked into Olivia’s office faster than usual, it was because he was in a hurry. If he happened to ask Carmen to tell certain visitors that he was busy, it was technically true.

 

After court, he spotted Sonny at the end of the hallway. He made a beeline for the exit before the other man noticed his presence.

“Hey, wait up!” he heard a familiar voice behind him. It was Olivia.

“You practically ran in and out of my office this morning,” she said.

Rafael’s eyes focused on his phone. “I’m busy.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” she commented, “That hasn’t stopped you from lingering around to talk shop with Detective Carisi after court before.”

He stopped short and snapped, “How about you mind your own business?”

Olivia was taken aback. She guided them away from the crowd outside the courthouse.

“Listen… I shouldn’t have pushed you. I’m sorry,” she apologized, “I just want you to be happy, Rafa. You need to stop self-sabotaging.”

Rafael nodded, silently accepting the apology and concern.

“Call him, okay?” Olivia pleaded.

He wanted to comment ‘easier said than done’ but decided to keep that to himself.

 

They wouldn’t have to talk about what happened if they didn’t see each other, right? Only one problem: Rafael never realized how often he saw Sonny.

In the morning, Rafael didn’t linger around the halls in the hope of banging into the detective.

He had to actively make lunch plans with other people just to escape him around noon. It felt like an extension of work. They didn’t make silly jokes, look at him in awe, or buy four different kinds of pasta. What was the point?

Sonny sometimes surprised him with visits at the end of the day. Therefore, Rafael had to bolt out of the building after work. He couldn’t risk it.

 

The most embarrassing moment is when he went back to Olivia’s office. They were in the middle of discussing a current case when he saw Sonny walk into the precinct. 

“Damn,” he muttered, suddenly looking lost.

Olivia eyed him, “What’s wrong?” Then she saw Carisi. He laughed at something Fin said then turned towards Olivia’s office.

Rafael panicked. He didn’t think – he just moved. He walked around her desk and squatted behind it.

“What on earth are you doing?” Olivia asked, startled by his actions. 

“Shut up,” he whispered.

She rolled her eyes. “This is ridiculous.”

Olivia got up and met the detective in the doorway. He heard her ask Sonny to fetch something that was left in the interview room. Then the door closed.

“Get up,” she instructed, “Either leave or wait for him to come back and talk to the damn man.”

Rafael stood back up. He was greeted by a stern look and crossed arms.

“So… leaving is an option?” he asked, despite it being the wrong time for cheekiness.

“Unbelievable.”

She opened the door for him. Rafael speed walked away, ignoring Olivia’s disappointed look.

 

By the third day, Rafael couldn’t keep up the charade. Sonny was obviously avoiding him as well, judging by the lack of texts and visit attempts. This needed to stop.

He swallowed his pride and texted Sonny.

 **_Rafael:_ ** _Hey, we need to talk (In person, preferably)._

 **_Sonny:_ ** _Okay. I’ll come by later_

He tried in vain to distract himself before Sonny arrived. Rafael organized the papers scattered across his desk.

Finally, there was a knock at the door. Carmen poked her head in and announced Detective Carisi’s arrival.

Sonny walked in, looking less confident than usual.

“Hey,” Rafael greeted him, putting the papers aside.

Before he could get another word in, Sonny was rambling.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. If you want to stop spending time with me, I completely understand.”

Wait, was he tearing up?

“I’m not mad,” Rafael reassured him, “Just… confused.”

Sonny’s eyes widen, “Shit, are you straight? I thought you were gay this entire time. That makes this even worse…”

Rafael stood up and corrected him, “No. God, no… I’m bisexual, but that’s beside the point. You can’t just plant kisses upon people without some notice.”

Sonny paced around the office.

“Right. You’re right.”

Silence. Sonny eyed the door. An escape.

“Do you… do you regret it?” Rafael asked, barely audible, “We can just forget it happened if it was the heat of the moment…”

Sonny took a deep breath and faced him.

“I don’t regret it. I should have gone about it differently, but I don’t regret it.” Sonny answered firmly.

“Oh,” Rafael didn’t know how to respond to that.

Sonny took a step forward, regaining his confidence.

“What if I gave you notice this time?”

Rafael wanted to pinch himself to make sure this was real.

“I – I wouldn’t be opposed to it,” he admitted. Rafael avoided eye contact.

Sonny walked over to him and reached out his hand with caution. He touched the spot he kissed the other night. Rafael leaned into the touch.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispered.

Say something. Rafael had to focus hard on forming words. Say anything.

“Yes.” It was all he could manage, but all he needed to say.

Sonny waited until Rafael met his gaze. Then he tilted his head and carefully pecked Rafael’s lips. He moved back and asked for his approval and guidance.

“Is… is this okay?”

“Yes.” Rafael nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, it’s more than okay.”

He made the advance this time, grabbing Sonny’s shoulders. Rafael pulled him in close and kissed back. He could feel Sonny smiling against his lips. His heart was fluttering and he didn’t mind it for once. They needed to make up for lost time.

Rafael paused for air. “Go lock the door.”

 

It was just like one of his daydreams. They were making out in Rafael’s office in the middle of the day. It was highly unprofessional, yet that didn’t deter them. Rafael sat on his desk, legs spread with Sonny standing in between them. His arms were draped around Sonny’s neck, playing with the blonde and gray strands. 

He had never kissed someone with lips this soft before. It was mesmerizing. Sonny unbuttoned Rafael’s dress shirt and those delectable lips moved down to his jawline, neck, and collarbone.

“Mmm, Sonny…” he moaned, arching his back.

Sonny stopped and looked at him like he was a miracle.

“Geez,” he gasped, “Why’d we ever wait on this?”

Rafael nervously laughed, “Ah, apparently I’m oblivious to romance.”

“Well, maybe I should be more direct?” Sonny offered.

Rafael wrapped his legs around his waist, bringing Sonny in even closer.

“Direct. I’d like that,” he said.

They pressed their foreheads together.

“You. Me. Dinner at 8?” Sonny asked.

“It’s a date.”

They gazed at each other for a few moments, taking everything in.

“Um, sorry I didn’t text you after that night. My burst of confidence didn’t last long. I thought I crossed a line. When you started avoiding me, it kinda justified that assumption,” Sonny explained.

“I shouldn’t have avoided you…” Rafael frowned.

He placed a kiss to Rafael’s temple, wanting that frown to disappear. It worked. His smile returned twofold.

“We’re quite a pair, huh?” Sonny commented.

“Yeah, quite a pair,” he agreed.

Sonny stroked Rafael’s shoulders before dropping a bombshell.

“By the way, I knew you were in Lieu’s office the other day. I saw you,”

“Oh… oh, god.” Rafael hid his face behind his hands. 

Sonny pulled his hands away from his face and held them.

“Hey, don’t worry. I caught a glimpse of you yesterday and I literally banged into a wall while turning a corner too quickly. My coffee went everywhere,” he confessed.

Rafael couldn’t help but burst into laughter. Sonny had never seen such a beautiful sight.

“Does that make you feel better?” he asked.

“Hmm, a little,” Rafael hummed, “You know what would make me feel even better?”

“What would that be?”

Rafael fixated on Sonny’s delectable lips.

“Kissing you again.”

Sonny happily obliged.

Yeah, Rafael could definitely get used to this.


End file.
